Say Something I'm Giving Up On You...

Endings are never easy. I have always personally struggled with the concept of "never again." I couldn't stop smoking cigarettes, for instance, until I stopped using the phrase "you will never have a smoke again." I had to switch it to "you can't have one for a long time." I feel the absolute of never. 

With that fear in mind, perhaps you will understand the struggle I had when ending my affair. I had moved away, but let's face it...the affair was far from over. We talked constantly. I drove north five hours each way to see him. We reunited like the old lovers that in many ways we had become. Yet, I knew it needed to end. 

Returning from my trip north, and pulled together the few strips of courage I had remaining, and sent him this long text:

Dear Mister,

Every time I set out to tell you this in person, something happens—I force myself to forget, or get distracted, or forgive. I meant to say all of this today—yet I didn't, because you were sick, because I didn't want to see a look on your face that I couldn't deal with...but it has to be said, so here I go.

I do not know what you expect from me in the future, or where you see this going. Perhaps in your mind what we have can continue indefinitely.

It can't.

Perhaps in your mind this is a great thing while it lasts and that is that. If that is what you are thinking, then I am in a way glad, because what I am saying here won't come as a shock.

We need to stop this.

We are heading nowhere but a dead end. That destination may work for you...you are married, with kids, and setting down roots in a town that I never intend to live in again. It doesn't work for me. I am single, unattached, and happy about that. If I continue this with you I will not start anything with anyone who can actually BE with me. I am too loyal, and I'd feel like I was cheating you by doing it, even though I wouldn't be.

I don't honestly know what I was looking to get out of this situation with you. It was more than just a conquest, I know that much. I also know that it is more than it should be to me, and for that reason and that reason alone it needs to stop. There is nothing but hurt ahead, and I am not going to dive into it knowing that.

I deserve someone who will fight for me, not hide me. I am sure you understand. I respect you, enjoy your company, and wish that it could be different, but it can't. I demand more, and am sorry that you cannot give what I need.

I am not a toy you can play with when you’re bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, Earn me!

Take care of yourself, and give me some space. I need it.

Spend your 600 billion wisely.

-Me

He responded as well as could be expected--we texted back and forth for about an hour, as I cried, and he understood. For two weeks we didn't talk...but then I saw him again...

The story will be continued and concluded in my next post. 

(And yes, there is a quote from Scandal in there...)

Any More Than Love Did

It has been almost a month since I last saw my mister, a month since I moved away, a month since I felt that thrill when he took me into his arms. I have drafted about six posts for this blog since then, but deleted them all. Why? Well most of them sound like pathetic heartbreak posts. The other half have felt like lies.

My heart is hurt. I do not think that poets are cut out for the mistress game. I got too attached. I imagined the relationship progressing in a way that is not only unlikely, but quite frankly impossible, considering the truth of real life. I always knew he would not leave his wife and children for me...yet I imagined it happening in the most romantic of gestures. He isn't that type of a man. If he was he likely wouldn't be cheating on the mother of his children.

He and I still talk via text and phone calls numerous times a day. He knows most everything about me to this day, and to this day I know next to nothing about his life.

I thought for a time during my move away from him that I was ready for a "real" relationship, yet I just tried the first steps of that this week. My first date with the (single!) man went really well, but in the second date he expected sex and I had no intention of giving it to him. I got frustrated, and started thinking of my mister again.

"It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know that they won't save us any more than love did."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

My heart is being hopeless here!

I did have one moment of clarity in the haze of being attached to someone that forsakes all attachment. That was during dinner the other day on date number one with the single man. The mister knew I was going (yes, I told him) and texted me seven times during it. I didn't even notice until after dinner. This was a big (albeit small) step for me!

I have done some self-reflection as of late as well. I have come to the realization that I still do not feel bad for being a mistress in this situation. I have no remorse. I had fun. The only thing I wish was different is him. I wish he would chase me down and fight for me, but cheaters aren't fighters. 

It is at least quite interesting to dissect my emotions and try to find the truth. Did I really fall for him, or am I merely in love with what is forbidden? What was he thinking, where is his mind now? Did he ever consider his and my hearts in the equation? Why does he keep talking to me and wondering how I am doing? Am I a convoluted friend to him? I think that much is true. I supported him for over six months, made him feel like the man he wishes he still was.

He is an architect whose dreams reminded me of artists I have known, but who sells insurance now. He is married to a woman he cannot stand and stays with her because of kids he does love. Or, actually, kids he realizes he is responsible for. I was that muse that he hadn't seen in a decade.

"Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of the struggle."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

A poet as a muse? Not inconceivable, and not unsatisfying. My tattoo of a feather to symbolize the siren in me resonates in this situation as well.
Do affairs end when we  move away from our misters? Do they ever chase us down? I ask the cosmos as if it is full of mistresses and sirens. Perhaps I will get an answer one day.

Happy New Year, follow your hearts, and cheers!

Embrace it. It's life!

I realized today that I have been beating myself up for living. For living a life that is "calm" by some standards. For spending snowy nights curled in blankets and watching streaming television shows. For sleeping in until 11am. I feel guilty because of these things--when truly I should be embracing the happiness they bring me.

I love having a short to-do list and deserting it in order to daydream. I love staying up late, waking up to watch the sunrise, and then going back to bed again. I love musing about intricacies of my mister. These are the things that make my life whole. Is it stable? Is it predictable? Would anyone else be happy with the haphazard way I live? No. Yet I am me, and I am going to stop apologizing and feeling guilty for the pleasures that I take in life.

I have been good at this for quite some time in one regard. I have never felt bad for being a mistress. I have embraced the smiles and fluttering love that is what is forbidden. I have read into sparkles in eyes that can scientifically not be read into. I have looked up photos of the wife and felt anger and jealousy. If not for emotions what is life anyhow?

The last man I was in a serious relationship with had a clinical bout of adventure syndrome. If he wasn't out and discovering and taking risks at all times he did not feel alive. I took a lesson from him and ended up feeling guilty when I "did nothing" all day reading a book. Yet, books take me on journeys I have always longed to be on, and let my mind dream. I love a good back country hike as much as the next outdoor lover, but I love those books too.

Do not apologize or feel guilty for what makes you feel whole. It is you. Embrace it.

Cheers!

Outlive the Bastards

I caught myself thinking critically about my most recent career choice as I packed up my life yesterday. I had stumbled across a laminated quotation that I always carry with me to remind me of my passions and what is truly important.

“One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.” 

-Edward Abbey

I will be at a desk a lot of the time for my next job as a director at a camp. I won't be leading as many hikes outside--I have moved away from the mountains. Have a sold my soul for stability and healthcare benefits? Have I forgotten the passion? Have I lost the razor-edge that made me sharp and special? Or...am I just missing him through time?

I have the sneaking suspicion that the only reason I am asking these questions is because I don't want to leave him here. I don't want to count down the days we have left together (7), or the fact that he doesn't seem to be counting. 

I think I did what every mistress is warned to never do--I thought somewhere in my heart that he would fight for me--when he doesn't even posses enough courage to fight for himself and his own happiness. 

It's time to rear up and kick hooves into the air, demanding the freedom and happiness I have set up for my future self. No more excuses. No more sorry examples of men. (Well, at least I will stop seeing this one). 

I need to remember the parts of this affair that made me feel happy and powerful, and toss the rest to the wind. A mistress should never forget to smile. We get the best of the men, and never have to deal with the dirty nitty-gritty life-leaching crap that is real life.

Here's to the fantasy, the wine, and the new beginnings I will be embracing soon! 

Cheers. 

How to Say Goodbye to Something I Never Had...

Life happens. We all know that, and since my last post it has continued to do what it does best.

I got a job, one that I think I will excel at and love. It isn't here. It is five hours from where my mister lives. I accepted with no hesitation, counting on a month more with him. It wasn't until he told me that he was going to be gone for two of those weeks that I started to feel reservations. There is no part of me that doesn't want this job, but there is a segment that wishes I could ask him to come too.

I hate that part of me.

Although, perhaps hate is a strong word that I do not deserve. It is the lover in me that makes me who I am. I fall hard, I care fully, and I give everything to people I have a connection with. To hate that part of me would be to in a way hate all of me. People are not mosaics, if anything is a melting pot it is the soul.

Last night I returned home from five days on the road for the interview process and a visit with one of my best friends. For the first time in our affair my mister snuck out of his house while his wife was home. He spun a story about working out, and joined me for a glass of wine and some rushed kisses. I think he will miss me. The fact that he will, makes me happy. The fact that I am happy from that makes me a bit disgusted.

I believe that we should learn from every relationship in our lives. That they are each stepping stones, and that if we grow from each one we are moving in the correct direction. If we have the ability to make someone happy, we should, always and with abandon. I also strive to make others happy in my relationships.

I do want a great love though. I want one of those loves that moves mountains with both people running at them, abandon tethered with breaking strands of twine. I want that, but I am not sure that my soul is ready for it yet. I hold on to hurt and disappointment like they are the key to good writing and developing my soul. Do strong people come out of pain? Yes, they do, but is seeking it out just to grow actually growth? I am unsure.

I care for my mister, I miss him, I wish he would call and text more. I don't expect him to, but am still hurt when he doesn't. I expect little, but still get hurt. I take pride in the fact that my chin is up, that he chooses me over her. Pride may be one of the deadly sins, and were I to believe in them I might feel guilty over the pride I feel. I don't think I should have to, however. I am an amazing intelligent person who has a siren's tendency to get herself involved with men that our society teaches us are taken.

I fill the gaps in their lives and ask for little in return. I make them happy. I do suffer in response to it however, because they cannot give me what would make me happy. I realize that. I mentally see it at least. My heart loves to nurture, to fix, to help. Most married and taken men need to be nurtured, they need to be complimented, they need to know that they haven't lost their masculinity with their reproduction. They need to know that their wedding rings aren't shackles. I just need to learn how to provide this service while growing closer to true happiness, and not further away. I must find the secret.

Cheers to discovery and high quality boxed wine.

Thinking of Leaving my Mister...

I think that it is time to end things with my mister. I have done a lot of soul searching over the last few days and have realized something: as much as I have told myself this relationship was more independent, more realistic, than my past relationships, it hasn't been. This affair has been just as unhealthy as many of my past courtships. There is only one difference: getting hurt was predicted. That doesn't make something more healthy.

My mister has been sleeping with me once a week, and hanging out with me as a friend the other times. Not a friend whose hand he holds, or whose arm he brushes with implications...just a friend, if even that. He is not there when I need him (and not because of his wife, mind you) and I am constantly jumping at every opportunity to make his days better. That isn't fair, it isn't even, and I demand better.

Does that mean that I am swearing off my mistress ways? No. Does it mean that I will never see my mister again? Probably also, no. It does mean that my backbone has hardened again. It means that my mind is having open communications with my heart. I am much less likely to put up with bullshit.

To myself as well as to all of my readers: you deserve better. I am not saying go for single people always, that is your choice. What I am saying is that if someone decides to take you on as their mistress they should be all in (with the exception of leaving their significant other). If they aren't, if they don't go out of their way to make your days better, then what is the point really? Bed them once and get the pride and glory, but then move on. I stuck around for too long on this one, I need to pull myself out before I am in too deep and get really scarred.

Wish me luck readers. I am going to need a few decent sized cheers to pull this one off!

I Don't Care!

I know it has been a bit since I posted last. I have been trying to come to terms with my feelings. Okay, that is a glazed over lie. In all honesty I have been drinking wine, cooking, and watching streaming movies. I haven't been thinking about my mister much. I thought that when he returned from his family vacation he would be over here every day, that hasn't been the case.

Last night I went out with his brother again, and honestly, I don't feel bad about it. I invited my mister over and he declined. I am not demanding a relationship here, but an apparent desire to be in my presence would be nice!

One of my mister's good friends kissed me at the bar last night. He was very intoxicated, but I texted my  mister about it (sometimes I am not very sly about brewing up jealousy). Other times, however, I have been!

"You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars."

-Gary Allan

At the beginning of the summer after our first hook-up my mister was giving me the cold shoulder--that is when I sent myself flowers at the office. I made sure they would arrive a day when I was off (so he would have to sign for them), and with no vase (so he would have to look for one). The note was vague but hinted at someone being excited to see me soon. I signed it with initials. This wasn't just my idea, my best friend played a role in the scheming too.

Did you know that online floral companies will NOT release the orderer's name if you don't list it on the card? Awesome!

He glared at the 100 lilies every day until they died...I didn't know if it had really worked...but in hind sight, I guess it must have!

I think that this song summarizes my mood today pretty well!

Icona Pop - I Love It 2012 by elbellavistas