Outlive the Bastards

I caught myself thinking critically about my most recent career choice as I packed up my life yesterday. I had stumbled across a laminated quotation that I always carry with me to remind me of my passions and what is truly important.

“One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.” 

-Edward Abbey

I will be at a desk a lot of the time for my next job as a director at a camp. I won't be leading as many hikes outside--I have moved away from the mountains. Have a sold my soul for stability and healthcare benefits? Have I forgotten the passion? Have I lost the razor-edge that made me sharp and special? Or...am I just missing him through time?

I have the sneaking suspicion that the only reason I am asking these questions is because I don't want to leave him here. I don't want to count down the days we have left together (7), or the fact that he doesn't seem to be counting. 

I think I did what every mistress is warned to never do--I thought somewhere in my heart that he would fight for me--when he doesn't even posses enough courage to fight for himself and his own happiness. 

It's time to rear up and kick hooves into the air, demanding the freedom and happiness I have set up for my future self. No more excuses. No more sorry examples of men. (Well, at least I will stop seeing this one). 

I need to remember the parts of this affair that made me feel happy and powerful, and toss the rest to the wind. A mistress should never forget to smile. We get the best of the men, and never have to deal with the dirty nitty-gritty life-leaching crap that is real life.

Here's to the fantasy, the wine, and the new beginnings I will be embracing soon! 

Cheers. 

How to Say Goodbye to Something I Never Had...

Life happens. We all know that, and since my last post it has continued to do what it does best.

I got a job, one that I think I will excel at and love. It isn't here. It is five hours from where my mister lives. I accepted with no hesitation, counting on a month more with him. It wasn't until he told me that he was going to be gone for two of those weeks that I started to feel reservations. There is no part of me that doesn't want this job, but there is a segment that wishes I could ask him to come too.

I hate that part of me.

Although, perhaps hate is a strong word that I do not deserve. It is the lover in me that makes me who I am. I fall hard, I care fully, and I give everything to people I have a connection with. To hate that part of me would be to in a way hate all of me. People are not mosaics, if anything is a melting pot it is the soul.

Last night I returned home from five days on the road for the interview process and a visit with one of my best friends. For the first time in our affair my mister snuck out of his house while his wife was home. He spun a story about working out, and joined me for a glass of wine and some rushed kisses. I think he will miss me. The fact that he will, makes me happy. The fact that I am happy from that makes me a bit disgusted.

I believe that we should learn from every relationship in our lives. That they are each stepping stones, and that if we grow from each one we are moving in the correct direction. If we have the ability to make someone happy, we should, always and with abandon. I also strive to make others happy in my relationships.

I do want a great love though. I want one of those loves that moves mountains with both people running at them, abandon tethered with breaking strands of twine. I want that, but I am not sure that my soul is ready for it yet. I hold on to hurt and disappointment like they are the key to good writing and developing my soul. Do strong people come out of pain? Yes, they do, but is seeking it out just to grow actually growth? I am unsure.

I care for my mister, I miss him, I wish he would call and text more. I don't expect him to, but am still hurt when he doesn't. I expect little, but still get hurt. I take pride in the fact that my chin is up, that he chooses me over her. Pride may be one of the deadly sins, and were I to believe in them I might feel guilty over the pride I feel. I don't think I should have to, however. I am an amazing intelligent person who has a siren's tendency to get herself involved with men that our society teaches us are taken.

I fill the gaps in their lives and ask for little in return. I make them happy. I do suffer in response to it however, because they cannot give me what would make me happy. I realize that. I mentally see it at least. My heart loves to nurture, to fix, to help. Most married and taken men need to be nurtured, they need to be complimented, they need to know that they haven't lost their masculinity with their reproduction. They need to know that their wedding rings aren't shackles. I just need to learn how to provide this service while growing closer to true happiness, and not further away. I must find the secret.

Cheers to discovery and high quality boxed wine.