Life happens. We all know that, and since my last post it has continued to do what it does best.
I got a job, one that I think I will excel at and love. It isn't here. It is five hours from where my mister lives. I accepted with no hesitation, counting on a month more with him. It wasn't until he told me that he was going to be gone for two of those weeks that I started to feel reservations. There is no part of me that doesn't want this job, but there is a segment that wishes I could ask him to come too.
I hate that part of me.
Although, perhaps hate is a strong word that I do not deserve. It is the lover in me that makes me who I am. I fall hard, I care fully, and I give everything to people I have a connection with. To hate that part of me would be to in a way hate all of me. People are not mosaics, if anything is a melting pot it is the soul.
Last night I returned home from five days on the road for the interview process and a visit with one of my best friends. For the first time in our affair my mister snuck out of his house while his wife was home. He spun a story about working out, and joined me for a glass of wine and some rushed kisses. I think he will miss me. The fact that he will, makes me happy. The fact that I am happy from that makes me a bit disgusted.
I believe that we should learn from every relationship in our lives. That they are each stepping stones, and that if we grow from each one we are moving in the correct direction. If we have the ability to make someone happy, we should, always and with abandon. I also strive to make others happy in my relationships.
I do want a great love though. I want one of those loves that moves mountains with both people running at them, abandon tethered with breaking strands of twine. I want that, but I am not sure that my soul is ready for it yet. I hold on to hurt and disappointment like they are the key to good writing and developing my soul. Do strong people come out of pain? Yes, they do, but is seeking it out just to grow actually growth? I am unsure.
I care for my mister, I miss him, I wish he would call and text more. I don't expect him to, but am still hurt when he doesn't. I expect little, but still get hurt. I take pride in the fact that my chin is up, that he chooses me over her. Pride may be one of the deadly sins, and were I to believe in them I might feel guilty over the pride I feel. I don't think I should have to, however. I am an amazing intelligent person who has a siren's tendency to get herself involved with men that our society teaches us are taken.
I fill the gaps in their lives and ask for little in return. I make them happy. I do suffer in response to it however, because they cannot give me what would make me happy. I realize that. I mentally see it at least. My heart loves to nurture, to fix, to help. Most married and taken men need to be nurtured, they need to be complimented, they need to know that they haven't lost their masculinity with their reproduction. They need to know that their wedding rings aren't shackles. I just need to learn how to provide this service while growing closer to true happiness, and not further away. I must find the secret.
Cheers to discovery and high quality boxed wine.
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