Thinking of Leaving my Mister...

I think that it is time to end things with my mister. I have done a lot of soul searching over the last few days and have realized something: as much as I have told myself this relationship was more independent, more realistic, than my past relationships, it hasn't been. This affair has been just as unhealthy as many of my past courtships. There is only one difference: getting hurt was predicted. That doesn't make something more healthy.

My mister has been sleeping with me once a week, and hanging out with me as a friend the other times. Not a friend whose hand he holds, or whose arm he brushes with implications...just a friend, if even that. He is not there when I need him (and not because of his wife, mind you) and I am constantly jumping at every opportunity to make his days better. That isn't fair, it isn't even, and I demand better.

Does that mean that I am swearing off my mistress ways? No. Does it mean that I will never see my mister again? Probably also, no. It does mean that my backbone has hardened again. It means that my mind is having open communications with my heart. I am much less likely to put up with bullshit.

To myself as well as to all of my readers: you deserve better. I am not saying go for single people always, that is your choice. What I am saying is that if someone decides to take you on as their mistress they should be all in (with the exception of leaving their significant other). If they aren't, if they don't go out of their way to make your days better, then what is the point really? Bed them once and get the pride and glory, but then move on. I stuck around for too long on this one, I need to pull myself out before I am in too deep and get really scarred.

Wish me luck readers. I am going to need a few decent sized cheers to pull this one off!

I Don't Care!

I know it has been a bit since I posted last. I have been trying to come to terms with my feelings. Okay, that is a glazed over lie. In all honesty I have been drinking wine, cooking, and watching streaming movies. I haven't been thinking about my mister much. I thought that when he returned from his family vacation he would be over here every day, that hasn't been the case.

Last night I went out with his brother again, and honestly, I don't feel bad about it. I invited my mister over and he declined. I am not demanding a relationship here, but an apparent desire to be in my presence would be nice!

One of my mister's good friends kissed me at the bar last night. He was very intoxicated, but I texted my  mister about it (sometimes I am not very sly about brewing up jealousy). Other times, however, I have been!

"You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars."

-Gary Allan

At the beginning of the summer after our first hook-up my mister was giving me the cold shoulder--that is when I sent myself flowers at the office. I made sure they would arrive a day when I was off (so he would have to sign for them), and with no vase (so he would have to look for one). The note was vague but hinted at someone being excited to see me soon. I signed it with initials. This wasn't just my idea, my best friend played a role in the scheming too.

Did you know that online floral companies will NOT release the orderer's name if you don't list it on the card? Awesome!

He glared at the 100 lilies every day until they died...I didn't know if it had really worked...but in hind sight, I guess it must have!

I think that this song summarizes my mood today pretty well!

Icona Pop - I Love It 2012 by elbellavistas

Choice: that was the thing

Emotions are twisted roads and bushwhacking trails left by animals I do not quite understand. Love, Lust, Longing, Jealousy, Guilt, all of these deserve their capital letters from time to time. Tonight I am trying to delve into the feelings I have for my mister, and figure out what they are. Knowing something's name gives you power over it, and I intend to do just that. 

"That is what the forest taught me. That you will never be mine, and that is why I will never lose you. You were my hope during my days of loneliness, my anxiety during moments of doubt, my certainty during moments of faith." 

-Paulo Coehlo, Brida

What, exactly, do I feel for my mister? What, exactly, did our hook-up this morning mean? I struggle to put words to what we have together. It isn't because it is a fairy-tale romance by any means. However, it is more than just randomly hooking up. We have built five months of friendship underneath what has now become a physical relationship. Five months of working 60 hour weeks together. Five months of learning who we are. 

"In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes in order not to see the bad things in life" 

-Paulo Coelho, Brida

So what do I feel? A deep attachment. Love? No, I daresay no. Some other emotion entirely perhaps. I do not want to lose him, and that is the truth. I will not disrupt my life not to lose him however. I want him to fight for me and will not fight for him. In relationships I always do battle alone, now it is time for someone else to. The someone who spends his nights in someone else's bed. 

I do not intend to marry him, to have him for my own, or ever to trust him not to cheat on me if he does leave his wife. That does not matter when it comes to what my heart feels though. I want him here, I want him with me. That is the way of it, and my mind be damned!

"He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing." 

-Sherman Alexie

So what am I going to do? Embrace the positive connection that we have. Perhaps, in time, I will try to have a conversation with him about what we are doing and where he is in this, but not now. For now I will enjoy the living that is my life--and smile.

Cheers!

Can a Mistress Cheat?

This past weekend my mister was away on a vacation with his family. He barely contacted me the entire week. There was a part of me that wanted to understand, but most of me didn't. I escaped two hours south to spend the last remaining days of his vacation with people whose company I enjoy.

There was typical fall fun, including the two of them (who are engaged) introducing me to someone they thought I would hit it off with. I did, in a way. Well, let's be honest. We hit it off once I had enough wine in my system to settle.

We didn't sleep together, but we did do other things. Now, I feel a little background is necessary before I go any further here. I have never cheated on anyone. I am happy to be the one helping with cheating, but I have never been the CHEATER. I would never do that to someone I care about. I get that this sounds borderline hypocritical, but frankly, welcome to life.

I ended up leaving his bed and returning to the one designated to me. The next morning I felt GUILTY. It was as if I had cheated on my mister. That is wrong intellectually on so many levels. He spends every night in the bed of his WIFE, and I am expected to stay exclusive? That is unfair. We have never had that conversation and he has never told me that he expects that from me. Yet there it was, guilt. Now guilt is not an emotion that I feel very often (except during social hangovers, see my post about that here.)

So that brought me to a very interesting philosophical list of questions: is it possible for a mistress to cheat on her mister? If it is possible, is it wrong? Does the mister deserve to know?

I don't think that is really a simple answer and that it needs to come on a case-by-case basis. For me it makes me feel guilty to be with someone else, so I won't be. I won't tell my mister if I have some indiscretions. I think it really comes down to being fair to the man that is NOT the mister in these situations. I wouldn't promise them exclusivity (or even hint at it) without ending things with a mister.

I hate guilt. Time for wine. Cheers to a cheating mistress.

Bedding my Mister's Brother

As those of you who have been reading my posts regularly know: I have achieved my goal with my current mister. What you do not know is all of the planning and hurt that ended up going into the process of getting him. That story alone can take up many days of posting, but one aspect of it will be touched on today.

I slept with his brother.

That's right, after our first "mess-around" session there was a time of fall-out between me and the mister. He was trying to come to terms with our connection, and for a time there we barely talked outside of a professional capacity. I emotionally dealt with it like I would a breakup. I felt rejected and hurt--and yet he would flirt with me at work. I didn't know what to make of it, so I decided to make him jealous.

I wanted whoever I chose to sleep with in order to make him jealous to be someone he would definitely hear about it from. I settled on his brother. My mister is 36, the brother is 32 and lives in the same town. They look almost like twins. The brother is more of a partier however. The brother also know full-well that I and his sibling had had some sort of romantic relations.

"Sometimes siblings can get in each other's space." 

-Gisele Bundchen

It didn't take much, a drunk night at the bar, and my goal was accomplished. It took my mister a couple of weeks before he mentioned it to me, that he knew. I played it off--acting like I didn't mind if he knew. Really I wanted him to tell me I couldn't be with his brother. He didn't do that.

What is most interesting though is now that I am having a full-fledged affair with my mister, his brother still texts me wanting to hook up. I don't do it (as I honestly have no interest in it), but I would assume he'd know. Men don't often chat about affairs, however, so possibly not.

Who is better in bed? Well, at foreplay I'd go with the mister, hands down. At sex, it's about a tie! I am sure the mister will pull ahead as we get more experience under our belts. 

Sex with siblings, who would have thought it? It's time for some wine. Cheers to brothers! 

Open Relationships?

2010:

He was someone that I had known in high school, through our Catholic Youth Program. For the record, all you readers trying to figure out how I can be religious and do what I do, I no longer am a practicing Christian of any sort. We had exchanged knowledge, and I had borrowed a book from him (C.S. Lewis's Screw
tape Letters), but I hadn't so much as spoken to him in about five years.


I ran into him by chance when walking through the college campus in the city I was living in post-college. I was on my way to the bar. He recognized me first, and I couldn't place him initially. He introduced me to his girlfriend, and it all clicked. I remembered how smart he was back then. That day I sent him a Facebook message:

Hey, it was great bumping into you today, it's been forever. Sorry it was a bit awkward, I've never been good with the random conversations while acquaintances that don't know each other look on type thing. Chomsky should be great, hopefully I'll see you there through the crowd I am hoping turns up.

I live in Madison for now, but am hoping to move west once my lease ends in August (and I save enough money to avoid the wage slave experience for awhile). Madison is great, most times, but getting away from winter for awhile and being surrounded by more like-minded people would be a much-needed breath of fresh air.

We should catch up sometime before I flee the Midwest, it has been far too long. I live downtown so would love to meet for coffee, a drink, chill in a park, or something sometime if you are down.

Either way, take care.

April 8, about two weeks after we had run into each other, we met for coffee and my new goal was created. Seduce the former friend who I hadn't seen in years that seems to want nothing to do with me. If anyone was up for the challenge it was me. Here is the message I sent to him after coffee:

Hey,

I had a blast yesterday. I'd forgotten how much I miss having great conversations with people (that know that something is wrong with the way things are). So, thanks:) I'm pretty sure I'm going to go to the Finkelstein talk on Tuesday, so I'll prob see you there.

I should have written down books you recommended, since I don't remember titles now...if you could send me a list I'll definitely check them out. Here are books I mentioned that you should check out/links so you can read some more about them:

(List of books and TED Talks)

I have a copy of the Stack letter that I mentioned (the guy who crashed into the IRS office) and Chomsky read some of if you want it. It's a bit long for fbook messages however, so I'd need your email.

Take care and we should hang out again soon.

He finally agreed to meet for coffee again, and we talked politics for nearly four hours. He considered himself a socialist, I was a well-read environmentalist, and we hit it off immediately. He flirted, I flirted, but I could see it would take a lot of time and work to win this one over.


For nearly two months we hung out all the time, talked constantly, and indulged in an emotional relationship. Our conversations moved from Facebook to phone and in person talks. He got everything out of me but an actual emotional commitment (though I'd be kidding myself if I said I felt nothing for him). I caught him checking me out from time to time, and I knew that the intelligence of our interactions was as much of a turn-on for him as it was for me.


Then, finally, one day I achieved my goal. We were sitting in his living room when he told me that his girlfriend and him were in an open relationship (a total string of shit, but I listened). Shortly after he justified to himself what we were about to do we were in his bedroom, and he couldn't get it up. He said he had stage fright. I showed him the right of it though, and we had horrible sex. Hey, I accomplished my goal!


We slept together on an off with varying levels of success until I moved out of that city. It was forbidden sex, the best kind. He still calls from time to time, I think he misses me more than I do him (since I don't miss him). He never told his friends or her about us being together (so much as being open). She had been away in Africa for the entire summer while he fornicated with me. Going away for a summer and leaving your boyfriend at home? Watch out. There is someone like me ready to swoop in. He might be there for you when you return, but he has been there for another the whole time you were gone.



That, my friends, is how you seduce a socialist. Use your mind, debate, and let them justify the fact that polygamy makes more sense in their life.

My take on the story looking back:

I cared a lot for this man, more than I was willing to admit at the time. His denial of me did truly hurt me, but I kept pressing forward. He is still with the woman he was dating while we were together, and she still had no idea that it happened. Do I feel guilty? No. I do wish that I had guarded my heart a little better with him. I have learned a lot in the past three years. I ran into him about a year back, and was amazed to lack much of an attraction at all for him. He may still be taken, but I have grown a lot.

A Coward's Woman...

I am sitting with my coffee overlooking a beautiful lake. If the job interview I had yesterday went as well as I think it is I will be moving to this place in the woods in about six weeks. That will take me away from my current mister. He is on a vacation with his family this week, and the fact that we are apart is making me think...

I extended my trip down here by a day to spend some more time with one of my best girlfriends (and her awesome dog). Would I have extended if my mister was waiting back in the town I live in? I think so...but part of me isn't totally sure. Perhaps I need to go back on my tough stance on not loving this guy.

I have always been a writer, seeking out love and embracing it wholeheartedly, disregarding the backlash that would always come later. Love is the purest of emotions, even if it comes in a way that is not ideal, it comes anyway. Do I love my mister? I am still unsure. There are different kinds of love though.

"The only kind of love worth having is the kind that goes on living and laughing and fighting and loving."

-Dalton Trumbo

I love my best friends. They will be there for me and respect me no matter what. They will forgive drunken indiscretions with a roll of the eyes and a smile. Perhaps I love my mister as a friend? They treat me better than he does though. He isn't cruel, but he doesn't make me the choice (then again, I AM a mistress).

I miss him now, and I will be sad to leave him, but I will leave him. I think that is the difference I need to dwell on. I love the high of new love, new conquests, success after long time goals, but I love my career more. I need to get somewhere where I am doing what I love and not just who I might!

I also demand a man with courage for a long-term mate. Misters? They don't have it. If they had courage they would take their lives by the reins and steer them somewhere that they are happy. My experience as a mistress is with men that have an empty place in their souls. I don't think it was ever filled by their wives or girlfriends, but over time it has become more apparent to them. They turn to me to fill it. I do my best with sex, compliments, and deliciously baked goodies. We both get positives out of the interactions, but in the long run I will not be able to fix what is broken in their lives. They will have to do that themselves.

"I came because...you're right...about me. I am a coward. I have been my entire life. I tried to make up fr it by collecting power, and the power became so important that I couldn't let go. Not even...when that meant losing the most important person in my life."

-Mr. Gold, Once Upon a Time 

Can secret sex with a woman they would never be able to get if they weren't taken help fortify some strength? Perhaps, but I think cowardice is a chronic disease. I am unsure if there is a cure for it in the long run.

So, you are probably wondering, why sleep with cowards? Well, sleeping with married men sure does take a great bit of courage. Cowards or not, they don't always dive into my bed without much preparation on my part. The scheming is where the fun comes in. I love seeing them try to resist, and then give in. Talk about a compliment!

Cheers to plans, cowards, and forbidden sex!

The First Time I Slept with a Married Man

I know that these posts jump all over the place, however it tends to be that my siren's brain is meandering on the given day I sit down to type.

"My own feeling is that if adultery is wickedness then so is food. Both make me feel so much better afterward." 

-Kurt Vonnegut

It is interesting to me to think back on how affairs progress. Like relationships they are all different. The only thing that is similar is the fact that there is one person (at least) who is promised elsewhere.

An entire summer built up to the first time that I slept with my married manager. We had fooled around some months before, and had been doing the same in the weeks leading up to this. You would think that with our obvious connection that there would be something tender about our interactions, but there really wasn't. I would be lying if I said that I wanted there to be tenderness. I would also be lying if I said I didn't care about this man--but it is in a different way than I care for men I love.

I have a deep respect and understanding of him. I do not love him.

Anyhow, with a whole summer of build up, our physical interactions had been more of a weakening of wills that wasn't regretted, but wasn't dwelt upon. We never hung out naked talking, we'd get clothed as soon as we were finished and then talk. We only ever had one conversation mirroring 'pillow talk' and it was 3 months after our first interaction, and we hadn't even kissed since then.

He was forward this time. I had brainstormed ways to get him to come over to my house before we both left town for a week, and he blatantly told me he was coming over. He did, and he asked to go to my room shortly thereafter.

There wasn't cuddling, there wasn't guilt on his end (which I have seen with men in the past that are taken). There was just a matter of fact way of things that was strange in its comfort. It seemed to me like we had merely added another thing we do together to the list of running, debating, working, and hiking. Sex, not that major.

I remember back to middle school when I was taught that sex changes everything. In my experience that is often the case, but not always. That NOT ALWAYS is important. I have had interactions with men who are friends and with intimacy added in, nothing negative happens to the relationship. I am thinking that might be what happened with this interaction. We text and call constantly, and he was emotionally cheating on his wife before we ever touched, but I don't think the touching pushed it to another level.

I am impressed/interested in the fact that I do not find myself wanting him to leave his wife. I do want her to find out in a way, just because I think it would be fun! Fun in a twisted I crave drama sort of way--not in a long term good idea sort of way.

Cheers to legal adultery.

The Social Hangover

I have been doing a lot of thinking today. The emotional roller coaster of the social hangover has slowed a bit, but I am still glancing at my phone constantly, wanting him to call.

Even this is different, however, than in a relationship. When I have dated in the past I would be physically sick waiting and hoping for the contact. There is something about being a mistress that makes me expect less, and be disappointed less often. If there was a way to channel myself, the mistress, into a relationship, perhaps I'd do it.

It is strange how the heart works. I feel that mine has two compartments. One for romantic forever love, and one for love I know is doomed. I am more daring and outgoing when I am in the mistress role. I know it is doomed, and knowing that I dare to do more. Perhaps I should dare like that always! Being hurt when I don't expect it is something I disdain, however, so I guard myself in love. I form myself into whatever mold I think is the best for me to fit into.

"Happiness, not in another place, but this place; not for another hour, but this hour." -Walt Whitman

I did not wake with a sense of dread this morning, but one of power! I know how intelligent I am and what I deserve. I know that I deserve more than what my current mister has to offer. This whole summer he has been making me feel like I have to fight to get his company. It should (and is) the other way around. He needs to win his way into my life. If he isn't willing to forgive several drunken text messages? Well, then he can go try to find some other hot mistress in this small town (good luck!)

I am not that different than most women. I do not have any issue stealing boyfriends or husbands (typically I just borrow them for a bit), but at the same time, my heart is truly alive. I love. My muse demands drama so that I may write. Does this make me a horrible person? I suppose that depends who is judging. For me, however, I am the only one who matters. I know that I deserve to be fought for and wooed.

So I raise my glass to all of you tonight, who know you are worth more than your present situation. Cheers, to learning self-worth through adultery!

I Can (typically) Get What I Want...

The first time I hooked up with my current mister was at the beginning of the summer, it was sloppy, and not ideal. I had fallen for him about the instant that I met him, but when we went out to the bars and ended up back at my place it was I that stopped it before it resulted in actual sex. I didn't stop it because of his wife or the fact that he had kids, but because we worked together. The big issue here was I wasn't full of class when I stopped it either. I believe it was whiskey that I was mostly full of--and I almost cried!

For the rest of the summer he still flirted heavily, but did not make a move (even after I was blatant about my intent to bed him at some point). He even tried the "we shouldn't even be friends" card. It took over two months before he kissed me again and that was just over a week ago.

The elation I felt was amazing. I was LITERALLY skipping around. I had achieved my goal, I had worked hard for it, and got my reward. He was possibly an even BETTER kisser than I remembered, and I did not feel guilty.

One thing that I did that day did surprise me though. I know that you all do not know me, so let me give you a brief snap-shot of myself in relationships...

I have moved across the country to follow a man with no career plans to speak of. I justified this by telling myself and everyone else that I wanted to move and it wasn't because of him (it was). I turned down jobs so that I could be with him. I delayed my job search while he hiked the PCT and didn't make plans for himself. In another relationship I relocated cities while I was a full-time college student to be close to who I was dating. I took up gaming for that one! (I don't even LIKE video games!)

All of those actions are in stark contrast to what I did the day I realized I finally "had" my mister. I received a call from someone interested in hiring me. This job is about a six hour drive from where I work with the mister, and is exactly what I have been looking for. I took the call and went through an interview in high spirits and excited. In the past I would have done this, but come up with some sort of a justification for not taking the job (when really I wouldn't want to be away from the guy I cared about). It was different this time.

This could be a direct example of why I prefer being a mistress to being a girlfriend. It feels RIGHT to think of myself first. In many ways being a mistress is one of my most functional ways to be in a relationship. I am much less likely to forget that I am the most important person in my life. I don't default to the man in the situation as the number one individual to think about. I never considered not taking the job if I am offered it.

Elated? Yes. Skipping? Yes. Deserting my dreams for a man I care about? Not anymore.

Cheers friends.

Growing Through Adultery

Today has been a day filled with a lot of thinking. "Emotional Hangovers" is what one of my good friends call them. I went out drinking last night and texted my mister (married man that I worked with this summer). It wasn't a cute endearing set of texts, but rather drunk ones, that ended in me telling him not to contact me again. I woke up with that dread that a morning after a night of mistakes brings, and quickly sent him an apology text...but am I actually sorry?

That anger was real. I think I would be better off without him. This one has my heart, but doesn't know it, and wouldn't want it even if he did. Perhaps (however embarrassing) the text stream was (and why DON'T I SPELL THINGS CORRECTLY WHEN DRUNK?) I think it had a lot of truth to it. I do deserve better than him, even as a mistress. My intoxicated self knows that, and did a better job than I have been able to do all summer in conveying it outwardly. Was it artistic and classy? Most definitely not. Is the truth typically artistic and classy? Also, no.

I miss him, but it isn't him I really miss. I miss the idea of him as a single man, an idea that will never come to fruition. I miss him telling me he cares about me, something that has never actually occurred. I miss the words his eyes said when his vocal cords didn't. I have become the pathetic crush-ee that I have always disdained!

Lying about it won't change that though. As my best friend just told me, I have to BE HONEST. Have I fallen too hard for a man I will never have, and who really doesn't even exist? Yes. Now what am I going to do about it? Am I going to perpetuate the problem by seeing him again and justify the perpetuation because the physical end of things is so great? Honestly, I probably will. Will I soak up everything positive he gives me? Probably yes to that one as well. Will I lie to myself about what I am doing? Not anymore.

I am applying for jobs and likely moving away in a couple months. This doesn't mean I regret being a mistress, or that I won't do it again (who are we kidding, I undoubtedly will), but it does mean that I am growing and changing as a person.

Raise those glasses friends! To growth through adultery!

The Beginning is a Good Place to Start

Where did my story begin? How is a mistress born? What could have possibly led me to be who I am today?

Perhaps there was some great tragedy, something that resulted in me never being able to love, with a chip on my shoulder heavy enough to sway social mores. 

Untrue, all of this. 

I have had many functional (and several dysfunctional) relationships. I am not a mistress because I am jaded in love. I do it for many reasons. It is a challenge, it is a rush, it is a compliment, it is also a habit. Not a bad one, just a habit. Perhaps you triple check to make sure you have your keys every morning. I sleep with taken men. I see little difference.
 
My first real relationship lasted about three years in high school. It ended, as it should have, and I moved on to other relationships. I later found out that my ex's fiance was cheating on him. I made sure that he knew, and then I slept with him. No remorse for me, and he later dumped her for cheating. Do two wrongs make a right? In this case, I do think so!

Sex with an ex who is cheating with you is one of the best things ever (second only to older married men). 

I have boobs, a good body, and the smarts to bend men to my will. Why wouldn't I do this? In this case it was for the good of both people in the relationship I was destroying. You will find that this is not always the case with me. Often it's just about accomplishing a goal. Sex in a car with an engaged man before I turned 18? Accomplished. 

"After the first betrayal, there is no other." (Betrayal, a new show on ABC)

Who Do I Think I Am?

I will not tell you my name. I will change names to protect the men who have decided I am the one they wish to cheat with. I will sleep with your husband. I won't feel guilty for it--or apologize--saying I have "grown so much" and "deserve better." I have read far too many blogs by women who have reformed from their mistress ways. I have been at this for almost ten years, and with 26 men under my belt, I don't intend to stop any time soon.

I know that I am smart, witty, and attractive enough to find a fantastic man to settle down with--but that just sounds boring and predictable. It would not even come close to as fun as stealing your man, and tossing him back to you once he realizes just how unhappy you make him. This is me. I do not say I'm sorry.

Thank you for training your men, ladies. I appreciate it when they crawl into bed with me.

Madame de Pompadour, mistress of Louis XV of France, Circa 1750

Who am I? Perhaps I manage a business with your life-mate and won his respect in that realm before I earned it in others. Or, maybe, I'm your best friend, even your sister. Perhaps all that trust you have for your man is misplaced, because I assure you, he will cheat given the right opportunity. That might just be a woman like me.

So get angry, reprimand me if you must, but keep on reading, because I will share the inner workings of a mistress. Who doesn't want to hear about that?

"For he was aware of the great secret of life: Women don't look for handsome men. Women look for men who have had beautiful women. Having an ugly mistress is therefore a fatal mistake." -Milan Kundera