Growing Through Adultery

Today has been a day filled with a lot of thinking. "Emotional Hangovers" is what one of my good friends call them. I went out drinking last night and texted my mister (married man that I worked with this summer). It wasn't a cute endearing set of texts, but rather drunk ones, that ended in me telling him not to contact me again. I woke up with that dread that a morning after a night of mistakes brings, and quickly sent him an apology text...but am I actually sorry?

That anger was real. I think I would be better off without him. This one has my heart, but doesn't know it, and wouldn't want it even if he did. Perhaps (however embarrassing) the text stream was (and why DON'T I SPELL THINGS CORRECTLY WHEN DRUNK?) I think it had a lot of truth to it. I do deserve better than him, even as a mistress. My intoxicated self knows that, and did a better job than I have been able to do all summer in conveying it outwardly. Was it artistic and classy? Most definitely not. Is the truth typically artistic and classy? Also, no.

I miss him, but it isn't him I really miss. I miss the idea of him as a single man, an idea that will never come to fruition. I miss him telling me he cares about me, something that has never actually occurred. I miss the words his eyes said when his vocal cords didn't. I have become the pathetic crush-ee that I have always disdained!

Lying about it won't change that though. As my best friend just told me, I have to BE HONEST. Have I fallen too hard for a man I will never have, and who really doesn't even exist? Yes. Now what am I going to do about it? Am I going to perpetuate the problem by seeing him again and justify the perpetuation because the physical end of things is so great? Honestly, I probably will. Will I soak up everything positive he gives me? Probably yes to that one as well. Will I lie to myself about what I am doing? Not anymore.

I am applying for jobs and likely moving away in a couple months. This doesn't mean I regret being a mistress, or that I won't do it again (who are we kidding, I undoubtedly will), but it does mean that I am growing and changing as a person.

Raise those glasses friends! To growth through adultery!