Choice: that was the thing

Emotions are twisted roads and bushwhacking trails left by animals I do not quite understand. Love, Lust, Longing, Jealousy, Guilt, all of these deserve their capital letters from time to time. Tonight I am trying to delve into the feelings I have for my mister, and figure out what they are. Knowing something's name gives you power over it, and I intend to do just that. 

"That is what the forest taught me. That you will never be mine, and that is why I will never lose you. You were my hope during my days of loneliness, my anxiety during moments of doubt, my certainty during moments of faith." 

-Paulo Coehlo, Brida

What, exactly, do I feel for my mister? What, exactly, did our hook-up this morning mean? I struggle to put words to what we have together. It isn't because it is a fairy-tale romance by any means. However, it is more than just randomly hooking up. We have built five months of friendship underneath what has now become a physical relationship. Five months of working 60 hour weeks together. Five months of learning who we are. 

"In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes in order not to see the bad things in life" 

-Paulo Coelho, Brida

So what do I feel? A deep attachment. Love? No, I daresay no. Some other emotion entirely perhaps. I do not want to lose him, and that is the truth. I will not disrupt my life not to lose him however. I want him to fight for me and will not fight for him. In relationships I always do battle alone, now it is time for someone else to. The someone who spends his nights in someone else's bed. 

I do not intend to marry him, to have him for my own, or ever to trust him not to cheat on me if he does leave his wife. That does not matter when it comes to what my heart feels though. I want him here, I want him with me. That is the way of it, and my mind be damned!

"He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing." 

-Sherman Alexie

So what am I going to do? Embrace the positive connection that we have. Perhaps, in time, I will try to have a conversation with him about what we are doing and where he is in this, but not now. For now I will enjoy the living that is my life--and smile.

Cheers!