Say Something I'm Giving Up On You...

Endings are never easy. I have always personally struggled with the concept of "never again." I couldn't stop smoking cigarettes, for instance, until I stopped using the phrase "you will never have a smoke again." I had to switch it to "you can't have one for a long time." I feel the absolute of never. 

With that fear in mind, perhaps you will understand the struggle I had when ending my affair. I had moved away, but let's face it...the affair was far from over. We talked constantly. I drove north five hours each way to see him. We reunited like the old lovers that in many ways we had become. Yet, I knew it needed to end. 

Returning from my trip north, and pulled together the few strips of courage I had remaining, and sent him this long text:

Dear Mister,

Every time I set out to tell you this in person, something happens—I force myself to forget, or get distracted, or forgive. I meant to say all of this today—yet I didn't, because you were sick, because I didn't want to see a look on your face that I couldn't deal with...but it has to be said, so here I go.

I do not know what you expect from me in the future, or where you see this going. Perhaps in your mind what we have can continue indefinitely.

It can't.

Perhaps in your mind this is a great thing while it lasts and that is that. If that is what you are thinking, then I am in a way glad, because what I am saying here won't come as a shock.

We need to stop this.

We are heading nowhere but a dead end. That destination may work for you...you are married, with kids, and setting down roots in a town that I never intend to live in again. It doesn't work for me. I am single, unattached, and happy about that. If I continue this with you I will not start anything with anyone who can actually BE with me. I am too loyal, and I'd feel like I was cheating you by doing it, even though I wouldn't be.

I don't honestly know what I was looking to get out of this situation with you. It was more than just a conquest, I know that much. I also know that it is more than it should be to me, and for that reason and that reason alone it needs to stop. There is nothing but hurt ahead, and I am not going to dive into it knowing that.

I deserve someone who will fight for me, not hide me. I am sure you understand. I respect you, enjoy your company, and wish that it could be different, but it can't. I demand more, and am sorry that you cannot give what I need.

I am not a toy you can play with when you’re bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, Earn me!

Take care of yourself, and give me some space. I need it.

Spend your 600 billion wisely.

-Me

He responded as well as could be expected--we texted back and forth for about an hour, as I cried, and he understood. For two weeks we didn't talk...but then I saw him again...

The story will be continued and concluded in my next post. 

(And yes, there is a quote from Scandal in there...)